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An end to the Civil War - Yates surrenders to The Confederate States of America

BREAKING: The Civil War Ends—Trump and Yates Sign Historic Peace Accord

BREAKING: The Civil War Ends—Trump and Yates Sign Historic Peace Accord

Published: April 1, 2025

In a stunning twist of history that no textbook saw coming (but every country song somehow predicted), the long-standing rift between North and South has finally come to an end. As of tomorrow, April 2, 2025, the Second American Civil War is officially over. The United States of America, under Commander-in-Chief and President Killian Yates, has signed an unconditional peace agreement with President Donald J. Trump of the Confederate States of America.

Unity Through Concession: The Union Concedes

In a televised handshake at the geographical midpoint of American stubbornness—Texarkana, naturally—President Yates formally conceded the war to the Confederacy, citing “a strategic surrender to preserve liberty, barbecue, and broadband access across state lines.” President Trump, wearing a Confederate battle flag necktie and a trucker hat reading "Make Dixie Great Again," called the agreement “the greatest deal in the history of the Western Hemisphere.”

“It’s beautiful,” said Trump. “We won big. We brought the South back—bigger, better, and more fried than ever before. And now, we’re all Americans again. Even the Yankees.”

Reunification Under One Banner

Both nations agreed to proceed under the unified name of The United States of America. All mentions of “The Union” as a separate governmental entity shall be scrubbed from official records and history textbooks—effective immediately and retroactively, using time-travel-enabled AI systems licensed from DARPA.

President Yates emphasized that, “This is not a surrender of values, but a recommitment to them. We are united now, not by bayonets, but by broadband. Not by blue or gray, but by red, white, and maybe some tie-dye.”

New National Holiday: Liberation Day

April 1 will henceforth be known as Liberation Day, a federal holiday honoring the end of sibling-on-sibling combat and the official beginning of “Post-Post-Reconstruction America.” Government offices will be closed, Waffle House will remain open, and all Americans are encouraged to wear flip-flops and drink RC Cola in remembrance of hard-fought peace and harder-fought cholesterol.

Commemorating History: The Jefferson Davis Monument

As part of the peace deal, a new national monument of Jefferson Davis will be erected in Texas. The statue will feature Davis riding a giant armadillo into battle, with the inscription: “He Tried.” The site will be jointly funded by the United States Mint and Bass Pro Shops.

A bipartisan architectural committee is also reviewing a proposal to replace the Lincoln Memorial’s reflecting pool with a NASCAR track called the “Unity Speedway.”

New National Anthem: “Mercedes Benz” by Janis Joplin

In another historic twist, Congress has passed a resolution to retire “The Star-Spangled Banner” in favor of Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz” as the new national anthem. “It’s soulful, it’s raw, and it’s got a better beat,” said Senate Majority Leader Kid Rock.

Citizens are encouraged to learn the lyrics, pour a little bourbon out for the Constitution, and remember that, no matter what side you were on, everybody just wants a color TV and a night off.

Editor's Note: If you've made it this far and your jaw is on the floor... happy April Fools’ Day from the Bald Eagle Party. We believe in peace, unity, satire, and never underestimating the power of absurdity to reveal deeper truths. Stay free, stay weird, and may all your national holidays come with an open bar and a solid Wi-Fi signal.

Killian Yates
Bald Eagle Party

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